friendship

‘3 Lessons Learned’

letter.06 November 14/2021

“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised." -Michael Scott

My first meal. 

My first day of college. 

A stomach-in-knots-tear-stained-cheeks-lump-in-the-throat sort of a day. 

A million miles from home. 

Dreadful loneliness. Regret. Shock. 

‘What have I done…’

I walked into the cafeteria to pretend to eat. I sat at a random table against the back wall. The sound of joyful chatter from all the ‘healthily adjusted’ students was deafening. ‘How could they be so happy?!’ I sipped my tea to calm my stomach. Looked up. And saw a goofy-looking guy in a long tattered cardigan and a grimace on his face. He was sarcastic. Sharp. Quick-witted. Cutting through the silliness of freshmen babble. He was from Alaska. He was interesting. Different. His name was Francis. 

I felt hope. To borrow from The White Stripes, ‘I can tell that we are gonna to be friends…’ 

That morning Francis and I began a friendship that has spanned 18 years of life: marriages, kids, crisis, job losses, pain, triumphs. And distance. The weirdest thing is that Francis and I only lived near each other for those 9 months of college. Francis is from the north (like the true north: Alaska, the Yukon, NWT) and I hardly ever see him. 

He is visiting for the weekend and I’ve been inspired to reflect. 

Here is what I’ve learned about friendship. 

1. It’s hard. 

It is easy to hang out. It is easy to ‘make plans’ and ‘do stuff’ with ‘friends’. But friendship - true friendship - is much trickier. It is hard to have friends. It is hard to be friends. It is hard to make friends. It is hard to be a friend. It requires time, energy, sacrifice. It requires patience, understanding, forbearance. An empathic worldview - and a constant thinking of the other. Friendship isn’t a 1-1 ratio between two people. There are all kinds of ingredients in the mix of friendship: jobs, kids, spouses, families, trauma, beliefs. A powder keg of potential conflicts, misunderstandings, miscommunications, clashes in personality, variances in experiences, and all the multi-dynamics of human relationship that can get in the way. By and large I am selfish being and putting the needs of others isn’t my impulse. Being a friend that is worthy of being called a friend - is hard work.

2. It costs.

It ain’t cheap. Friendship costs. Money. Energy. Resources. Time. But more, friendship requires a different kind of cost that is often unnamed: vulnerability. 

As soon as you start ‘opening up’ and sharing beyond the trite ‘life is good’ quips the economy of emotions begins to take hold. We’ve all got stuff hidden in the cupboards. Painful secrets. Traumatic experiences. Expectations. Hurts. Dreams. It is an enormous risk to open the preverbal drawers. Will I be understood? Cared for? Laughed at? Accepted? Can I accept someone else’s ‘stuff’? Can I care deep enough? Show empathy? Give space for the other? The closer you get to someone = the greater the interpersonal risks. The deeper a friendship gets = the greater vulnerability required = the greater the possible pain. It’s simple. Having a friend - and being a friend - spurs growth. And growth hurts.

3. It’s worth it. 

None of this is bad. In fact, friendship is brilliant. To choose to be a friend, and to embrace the difficulties and costs, is to willingly and willfully choose to work to be a better human being. 

And it is totally worth it. All of the difficult conversations, painful challenges, stretches of empathy and risks - they are all worth it. Friendship enriches our lives experientially, socio-emotionally, and spiritually.

Friendship has made me a better person. A better father. A better husband. And you guessed it, a better friend. 

Today I celebrate friendship! 

-amos